Take Advantage of Your Looks

Nearly everyone in the United States has given his opinion on the Eliot Spitzer affair. I couldn’t help but give mine. I want to discuss just one topic raised by this episode. No doubt most of us were stunned when we read that guys were spending thousands of dollars for an hour of sex with one of these girls (and way more for time with two of these girls, but that’s a topic for another day).

The call girl, Kristin (I think her name is actually Ashley, but I’ll refer to her as Kristin because I like the name better), is extraordinarily attractive.

 

It’s not surprising that beautiful women use their beauty to make money. In most occupations few people complain when beautiful women use their beauty to make lots of money. Few people carp and complain about beautiful models getting paid thousands of dollars a day just to pose for pictures.

And for those models who may comment huffily that it’s way more than just standing there, I realize you might have to get up very early in the morning to go to a photo shoot, sit there while makeup is applied to you, etc. But it ain’t exactly like being a coal miner or a roofer in Florida in the summer heat. So don’t complain to me. You might get a more sympathetic ear if you complain to Mr. Practical though. He’s very empathetic to models.

Ginger or Mary Ann (Part Two)

A few others…

 Jeanie (Barbara Eden) v. Samantha Stevens (Elizabeth Montgomery)

The girls from Friends (Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, Lisa Kudrow)

The women from Desperate Housewives (Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria, Nicollette Sheridan)

 Your picks?

I Want My Five Years!

 

I told my good friend Brad, who’s happily married, about this girl I knew that seemed to be really into me, had a lot of fantastic qualities that I really like, but was fat. I shared with him that despite all the great things about her, I just couldn’t deal with having a fat wife, mainly because I’d never want to have sex. His response surprised me.

“Dude, just marry her,” he said. “Look, you only get five good years out of any girl you marry before they get fat. If you found yourself a great girl, just forget about the five years and marry the fatty.”

I basically told him he could shove his idea up his ass. First off, he’s married to a gorgeous Swedish girl who’s birthed two children for him and still has the body of tennis player. Secondly, if five years is all I can get…

..then I WANT MY FIVE YEARS!

 

Ginger or Mary Ann?

 

Dawn Wells was in the news this week. You might remember her as Mary Ann in Gilligan’s Island. That was the show for the mid-1960s involving the three hour tour, the storm…you know the song. Anyway, poor Dawn was busted for having marijuana in her vehicle.

 

My first thought was “Well that explains the eighty pound weight gain over the past forty years.”

 

But that reminded of the question that every guy our age (I’m 46) has either asked or has been asked:

 

Ginger or Mary Ann?

 

You know. Which would you rather do?

 

I’m a Mary Ann man. I wanted to be the first guy to fuck her over. Just needed an opportunity to treat her like absolute shit and ruin her for all other guys. You can tell that Ginger’s been hosed by countless guys. And she kept coming back for more.

 

But Mary Ann was fresh.

 

Wide eyed.

 

Trusting.

 

That’s right. Come to daddy, my unsuspecting chew toy.

The Status of Women

The United Nations Division for the Advancement of Women held its 52^nd session of the Commission of the Status of Women in New York earlier this month. I imagine a lot of money was spent to discern the status of females, when all they really had to do was ask Mr. Practical. Here is a convenient guide to the status of women:

1. If they are smoking hot and single: They are doing great. They never pay for a drink or a meal. They can have sex whenever they want it. They will most likely hold out and marry into wealth.

2. If they are hot and married: Even better than above, because now they can also eat anything they want and participate in Ass Expansion.

3. If they are fat and married: Even better than above, because they also have the benefit of making their husbands miserable. They actually have the power to make a man beg for sex from a disgusting whale of a woman.

4. If they are fat and single: Not doing so well. Most likely dating occasionally employed losers.  Should’ve waited for marriage before you blew up like an inflatable life raft, missy.

See how easy that was? From now on the UN should just contact me.

Are You Serious?!

Clinic wants to be ’snip city’ at NCAA tourney time

• Story Highlights
• Clinic promoting vasectomies just before NCAA basketball tournament
• Surgery usually requires a couple of days off your feet for recuperation
• Clinic’s ads also promise “recovery kit” of sports magazines, free pizza delivery

SPRINGFIELD, Oregon (AP) – For guys who park in front of the TV during college basketball’s March Madness, the Oregon Urology Institute has a suggestion: Why not use that time to recover from a vasectomy?

“When March Madness approaches you need an excuse … to stay at home in front of the big screen,” the clinic’s radio ad says. “Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts. It’s snip city.”

Institute Administrator Terry FitzPatrick said men need two to four days to recover from the procedure — but not all take the time.

He’s reserved a dozen appointment slots for March 19, the day before the first tipoffs of the NCAA Tournament, and another dozen for March 26, before the tournament’s second week.

He reported filling 15 slots by Thursday afternoon and expects to fill all 24.

The sports radio station broadcasting the clinic’s ads promises to send each patient a recovery kit of sports magazines, free pizza delivery and a bag of frozen peas.

Peas?

“The frozen peas are malleable enough that you can get them right in there and get the swelling down,” FitzPatrick said.

______________________________________________________________

Would you like to bet that a few of those slots were filled by wives who didn’t bother to discuss it with their husbands beforehand? (Surprise!)

Let’s get one thing straight. It is the woman’s responsibility to make sure that no more children occur in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if the relationship involves marriage, living together, one night stands, whatever. It is her responsibility…period. End of discussion.

Why should a guy turn himself into a inoperable tool just to keep the peace at home? If you want to have kids…fine. If you want to cease the ability to have any more kids…even better. But mangling a man’s privates is not the answer.

So what is the answer you might ask?

Immediately after childbirth.

It’s the perfect scenario. She’s already on the table. Exposed. Gapping. She’ll be too tired to put up much of a fight. Just slip the doctor an extra $20.00. Problem solved.

Now go enjoy the NCAA Tournament.

Advice to Husbands: if you want peace, let your wife have her way

Reuters Link

An interesting new study has been performed by researchers at Iowa State University. An important finding was the key to marital happiness was to let the wife her way.

A Reuters story about the study gives a good rundown. The story:

“…has proven what many happy couples know — the wife runs the roost at home and the husband is happy to let her.

A team of researchers from Iowa State University studied 72 couples and found that the wife’s view on how to solve problems within the marriage or the home took precedence over the husband’s opinion and he was happy to accept that.

“The women were communicating more powerful messages and men were responding to those messages by agreeing or giving in,” Associate Professor of Psychology David Vogel, one of the leaders of the study, said in a statement.

…

“The study at least suggests that the marriage is a place where women can exert some power,” said Vogel.”

I think most husbands could have intuitively said the same thing, but it’s interesting to see the anecdotal evidence confirmed by more scientific evidence.

This should serve as a warning and a guide to newlyweds.

Another Day, Another Politician Gets Busted

News broke today that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has admitted to being involved with a prostitution ring. The leader of Republicans in the state assembly, James Tedisco, issued a statement demanding that Spitzer, a Democrat, resign. “He has disgraced his office and the entire state of New York,” Tedisco said.

This really cracks me up. I am certain there are hundreds of politicians right now calling for his resignation publicly, while privately breathing a sigh of relief that it wasn’t them that got popped. You just know a very high percentage of politicians partake in this same extramarital activity.

Okay, he IS married, so he shouldn’t have been dipping his pen in some very expensive ink. But I have one question that has never been satisfactorily answered: Why can’t I, as a single man, legally purchase the services of a prostitute? If there is a willing buyer and a willing seller and both are consenting adults, why does our government tell us we can’t partake in such a transaction?

Especially when the use of prostitutes is probably less expensive than, you know, a relationship.

The Unknown Supermodel

Like any (straight) guy, I have a strong appreciation of uber-hot celebrity chicks. I tend to like the supermodel type—tall, long-legged, beautiful face—more than any other, and I’ve certainly had crushes on quite a few. From childhood to now, I’ve adored such models as Christie Brinkley, Paulina Porizkova, Linda Evangelista, Nadja Auermann, Adriana Sklenarikova, Rebecca Romijn, and Adriana Lima.

One model never quite made that list, and I think I just figured out why. Her name is Daniela Pestova. Sound familiar? No? Well, you may be surprised to learn that not only is she a top Victoria’s Secret Model, but also a regular on Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue and on catwalks on, well, wherever the hell they have fashion shows.

I’d seen her before and definitely noticed her beauty, but for whatever reason she never really registered with me. Recently, for whatever reason, I googled her and looked at her pictures and figured something out:

She’s perfect.

She’s too perfect, if that is possible. Every supermodel I have ever seen has some defining characteristic that is either unusual or perhaps even a “flaw”. Cindy Crawford’s mole is unusual. Evangelista’s knobby knees are a flaw (she’s even admitted she hates them). Any and every supermodel I’ve ever seen has one or many defining characteristics.

But not Daniela. She is, to my eyes, absolutely perfect. She looks to me like what God decided was going to be a woman, and the rest of women could genetically diversify from that.

Anyway, that is my excuse for slighting her all these years (she is 37 now and nearing the end of her career), but I am more than happy to make up for it by making her my first ever “Mr. Practical’s Babe of The Day”.

While she looks stunning (as usual) in this picture, take a moment and do a search for her using Google images and see all the photos of her you can. You will be amazed.

 

Why Guys Are Reluctant To Commit

Why are guys reluctant to commit (to marriage)?  I once heard a stand-up comic explain his answer with a memorable simile.  He said it was like you were taking a long car trip with your girlfriend and it was getting to be dinner time.  She said, “I’m getting hungry.  I just saw a sign for a restaurant that we like.  It’s two exits down.  Why don’t we pull off for dinner?”  He thought to himself – yeah, I like that restaurant just fine.  But maybe if we keep going down the freeway I’ll see one I like even better.  There may be some truth to that.  But let me supply a few other possible reasons. 

Marriage is a long-term commitment.  Yes, you can get divorced, but that is generally costly in many ways.   So the two people will be together for some time.  The guy may be wondering whether his wife will get fat or become disagreeable.  If she does, there is really nothing he can do, short of getting a divorce. 

A woman might respond, “What if the guy gets fat or becomes disagreeable?”  It’s certainly true that either of these might happen, but my gut feeling is they happen more often to women than to men (especially the becoming disagreeable part).   There’s an old saying: if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy (in the family).”  This saying expresses the realization that an unhappy wife will make the entire family unhappy. 

Let me give another possible reason why guys are reluctant to commit to marriage.  If the marriage becomes deeply unhappy, he can leave, but leaving is often extremely expensive, because of the divorce laws.   Everyone knows the line from one of Eddie Murphy’s acts: “I want half.”  At least in some places in the country, giving up half is getting off easy.  Many ex-husbands have to give up half, or even more than half, then keep giving up half (or more)  of their income for years to come.   It doesn’t just happen with rich guys like Paul McCartney.  

Many guys hear about this and are reluctant to get married.  In this way the divorce laws create a disincentive for guys to get married.