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Archive for April, 2008

More Insights Into Online Dating Preferences

Posted by Mr. Thoughtful on April 30, 2008

Last week I wrote a post discussing a few things revealed in a sophisticated analysis of online dating

http://designogselvfremstillelse.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/dating1.pdf

As promised, here is another installment addressing some of the interesting findings.  Some people lie about their height.  They’re called men.  Many of them take considerable liberties at rounding up.  A guy who is 5′10″ will claim he is 6′ tall.  He does this because more women are interested in guys who are at least 6′ tall.   By the way, the reason the researchers are pretty sure quite a few guys are lying about their height is that no sample group of guys are so uniformly tall, with the exception of NBA players or Masai tribesmen.

And women lie about their body build and weight.  This is because more guys are interested in slender women.  So it seems each of us has a pretty good idea of what the other sex wants, and we tailor our profiles to match that.  I should note that many people aren’t lying on their profiles.  In some cases it would be silly to lie.  A guy who claimed to be 6′ tall is not going to be well-received when he shows up on a first date and seems to be 5′7″.  This sort of blatant and obvious misrepresentation is not a good way to start off a relationship.

Another point is that men are much more receptive to women who email them first than women are to men who email them first.  The median man gets a return email from the median woman 40% of the time, while the median woman gets a reply 70% of the time.  pp. 17-18.    We would expect this, because the online dating service which was studied had more men than women (55%/45%), which means that more men are chasing fewer women, and also because women are generally choosier.

Consistent with this point is that women receive four times as many first-contact emails as men receive. p. 19.

Online dating is mostly a woman’s world.  Tune in later for more installments.

 

Posted in Meeting Women, Relationships, dating | Tagged: | No Comments »

Michigan’s Out-of-Control Child Protective Services

Posted by Mr. Thoughtful on April 29, 2008

Score another one for the People’s Republic of Michigan’s Child “Protective” Services, with an assist from the Detroit Police and the Michigan Attorney General’s office.  They combined to snatch a 7 year old kid from a Detroit Tigers game and take him from his family until the family went to court to get him back.

The following article from the Detroit Free Press has the details:

… if you ask Christopher Ratte and his wife how they lost custody of their 7-year-old son, the short version is that nobody in the Ratte family watches much television.

The way police and child protection workers figure it, Ratte should have known that what a Comerica Park vendor handed over when Ratte ordered a lemonade for his boy three Saturdays ago contained alcohol, and Ratte’s ignorance justified placing young Leo in foster care until his dad got up to speed on the commercial beverage industry.

Even if, in hindsight, that decision seems a bit, um, idiotic.

Ratte is a tenured professor of classical archaeology at the University of Michigan …The 47-year-old academic says he wasn’t even aware alcoholic lemonade existed when he and Leo stopped at a concession stand on the way to their seats in Section 114.

“I’d never drunk it, never purchased it, never heard of it,” Ratte of Ann Arbor told me sheepishly last week. “And it’s certainly not what I expected when I ordered a lemonade for my 7-year-old.”

But it wasn’t until the top of the ninth inning that a Comerica Park security guard noticed the bottle in young Leo’s hand.

“You know this is an alcoholic beverage?” the guard asked the professor.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” Ratte replied. He asked for the bottle, but the security guard snatched it before Ratte could examine the label.

… An hour later, Ratte was being interviewed by a Detroit police officer at Children’s Hospital, where a physician at the Comerica Park clinic had dispatched Leo — by ambulance! — after a cursory exam.

Leo betrayed no symptoms of inebriation. But the physician and a police officer from the Comerica substation suggested the ER visit after the boy admitted he was feeling a little nauseated.

The Comerica cop estimated that Leo had drunk about 12 ounces of the hard lemonade, which is 5% alcohol. But an ER resident who drew Leo’s blood less than 90 minutes after he and his father were escorted from their seats detected no trace of alcohol.

“Completely normal appearing,” the resident wrote in his report, “… he is cleared to go home.”

But it would be two days before the state of Michigan allowed Ratte’s wife, U-M architecture professor Claire Zimmerman, to take their son home, and nearly a week before Ratte was permitted to move back into his own house.

And if you think nothing so ludicrous could happen to your family, maybe you should pay a little less attention to who’s getting booted from “Dancing with the Stars” and a little more to how the state agency responsible for protecting Michigan’s children is going about its work.

… Almost everyone Chris Ratte met the night they took Leo away conceded the state was probably overreacting.

The sympathetic cop who interviewed Ratte and his son at the hospital said she was convinced what happened had been an accident, but that her supervisor was insisting the matter be referred to Child Protective Services.

And Ratte thought the two child protection workers who came to take Leo away seemed more annoyed with the police than with him. “This is so unnecessary,” one told Ratte before driving away with his son.

But there was really nothing any of them could do, they all said. They were just adhering to protocol, following orders.

And so what had begun as an outing to the ballpark ended with Leo crying himself to sleep in front of a television inside the Child Protective Services building, and Ratte and his wife standing on the sidewalk outside, wondering when they’d see their little boy again.

Child Protective Services(CPS) is the unit of the Michigan Department of Human Services responsible for intervening when someone suspects a child is being abused, neglected or endangered. Its powers include the authority to remove children from their homes and transfer them to foster parents who answer only to the state.

 

…  CPS refused to release Leo to the custody of two aunts — one a social worker and licensed foster parent — who drove all night from New England to take custody of their nephew.

Chris Ratte’s sisters, Catherine Miller and Felicity Ratte, left Massachusetts at 10:30 the night of the fateful lemonade purchase… But when the two women arrived at the CPS office early Sunday, a caseworker explained they would not be allowed to see Leo until they had secured a hotel room.

The sisters quickly complied. But by the time they returned to CPS around 10:30 a.m., their nephew had been taken to an undisclosed foster home, where he would remain until a preliminary court hearing the following afternoon.

By that Monday, April 7, when Ratte and his wife returned for a meeting with Latricia Jones, the CPS caseworker assigned to their case, no one in the family had been able to talk to Leo for a day and a half.

… At a hearing later that day, Jones recommended that Leo remain in foster care until she had completed her investigation, a process she estimated would take several days. It was only after the assistant attorney general who represented CPS admitted that the state was not interested in pursuing the case aggressively that juvenile referee Leslie Graves agreed to release Leo to his mother — on the condition that Ratte himself relocate to a hotel.

Finally, at a second hearing three days later, Graves dismissed the complaint and permitted Ratte to move home.

Don Duquette, a U-M law professor who directs the university’s Child Advocacy Law Clinic, represented Ratte and his wife. He notes sardonically that the most remarkable thing about the couple’s case may be the relative speed with which they were reunited with Leo.

Duquette says the emergency removal powers of CPS, though “well-intentioned” are “out of control and partly responsible for the large numbers of kids in the foster care system,” which is almost universally acknowledged to be badly overburdened.

http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080428/COL04/804280375/&imw=Y

Everyone involved was just following orders.  That’s the Nuremberg defense.   The cop’s supervisor who insisted the matter be referred to CPS seems to bear quite a bit of the blame here.  And it isn’t as if Detroit lacks  real crime its police can investigate.

To judge from this incident, Michigan’s Child Protective Services is out-of-control.   That doesn’t surprise me, many such agencies across the country run roughshod over people.  And Michigan state government is more than a bit authoritarian. 

It’s a good thing this family had resources and contacts with which to obtain a lawyer.  If it didn’t, who knows how long the system would have kept their child in foster care.   Note to anyone foolish enough to seriously moving to Michigan: buy lots of warm clothes, a four-wheel drive vehicle for driving in the frequent snow, and set aside ten grand for a good lawyer just in case you need to defend yourself against state or local government here.  And keep in mind that you’ll probably be paying more in state and local taxes that funds these out-of-control bureaucrats.

Hat tip: Craig Newmark http://newmarksdoor.typepad.com/mainblog/2008/04/one-more-cost-o.html#trackback

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Fascinating Research into Online Dating

Posted by Mr. Thoughtful on April 25, 2008

Some time ago I read a fascinating study about online dating preferences.  It was done by Dan Ariely and two other researchers.  You can read it here.  The conclusions are written in plain English, although be warned that some of the material is highly technical statistical stuff.

http://designogselvfremstillelse.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/dating1.pdf

The researchers were able to get Match.com information for two markets: San Diego and Boston.  They were able to determine who clicked on whose profiles, how long they stayed there, who they contacted, and many other things.

There are so many interesting items the study mentions, that I’ll write several  posts on it.  But I’ll mention a few highlights here.  Here are online dating tips for both men and women:

Men:

Be good-looking.  Be tall.  Be fairly large/muscular. Make quite a bit of money.  Be socially adept.  Create an engaging profile.  Be reasonably well-educated. 

Women:

Be good-looking.  Be slender.  Don’t have short hair or gray hair.

Both Men and Women:

Send out lots of emails to people who are in your league.

More later.

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She Withholds Sex from her Husband as Punishment and Gives it as Reward

Posted by Mr. Thoughtful on April 24, 2008

When I wrote my “BJ as Reward” post several days ago I had not seen the following article by Leslie Bennetts on MSNBC.  It’s very much in this same vein, only she uses both the stick and the carrot.  She withholds sex from her husband if she thinks he doesn’t do enough around the house and she gives him sex if she determines he has earned it by doing enough around the house.  If I made this stuff up many of you wouldn’t believe it, but here is the story, straight from the horses  mouth:

Maintaining some semblance of parity in your marriage requires you to deploy the same kinds of nasty tactics you swore you would never stoop to as a parent but nonetheless found yourself using the minute you actually had a kid. Bribery and punishment work; so do yelling and complaining. Threats are also effective, as long as everyone knows you mean business. With husbands, tender blandishments and nooky are particularly useful, as is the withholding of the aforementioned.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24206284/

Hat tip: Dr. Helen at http://www.drhelen.blogspot.com/

As I said in my previous post, this is like treat-training a dog, giving him treats as a reward when he does something you like.

And here is a picture of Leslie Bennetts, whose consent to have sex with her husband is considered the granting of a reward:

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Men Who Find They Aren’t the Fathers Still Have to Keep Paying Child Support in Tennessee

Posted by Mr. Thoughtful on April 23, 2008

After my post on Robert Myers below, I promised another post on why it is difficult to change the monumentally unjust laws of the type that have ruined Myers’ life.  Here’s a perfect example from the news.

Representative Rob Briley, Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee of the Tennessee legislature, recently killed a bill that would have allowed men who had been paying child support for children they discovered were not their own a legal avenue to get their child support terminated. 

After Campfield explained the bill - HB1523 - to the House Judiciary Committee, Rep. Rob Briley, D-Nashville, immediately took the lead in criticizing the measure.

“I think this is the most anti-child piece of legislation I’ve seen down here in 10 years - by far,” said Briley.

http://politics.nashvillepost.com/2008/04/21/gone-baby-gone-briley-sends-campfield-paternity-bill-to-summer-study/

I wonder why Representative Briley thinks men should be forced to continue paying child support for children they didn’t father?  What makes it worse is that many times, perhaps most of the time, the mothers knew the guy paying child support wasn’t actually the father of the child.   They just liked getting that money from the poor sap who was paying it.

Representative Briley concluded the bill proposed was “the most anti-child piece of legislation” he had seen in his legislative career.   The bill might more accurately be called anti-fraudulent mother.  This guy is a disgrace.   I hope he is voted out of office, but given the advantages of incumbency, including the protection of running for re-election in a safe gerrymandered district, he’ll probably be in office as long as he wants to be.

This high-handed action illustrates the near impossibility of changing the laws.  The people who run many of the state legislatures have little interest in justice.  And voters are mostly too apathetic to ever do anything to boot these people out of office.

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Astonishing News Story About Child Support

Posted by Mr. Thoughtful on April 22, 2008

A bakery delivery guy is paying $611 of his monthly income of $1,600 to his ex-wife in child support.  So far a pretty ordinary story, but things get more frightening.  The ex-wife has a court order for him to pay $2,000/month.   Since the order is for him to pay his ex-wife more than he makes, he is behind, to the tune of $61,000. 

His ex-wife is trying to get him extradited to New York.  According to the following story in the New York Daily News, under New York law since he owes more than $50,000, he “loses his right to appear in court to defend himself against her charges.”

If the NY Daily News is correct and that is indeed the law in New York, it is truly astonishing that a US citizen could lose his right to defend himself in court.    

Timothy McVeigh had the right to appear in court to defend himself against the charges of blowing up the federal building in Oklahoma City, killing hundreds of people.  He even had a first-rate lawyer appointed for him and paid by the taxpayers.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be soon tried in a US court, and even this guy, accused of masterminding the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, killing 3,000 people, will get to appear and defend himself in court.  In fact, I’m pretty sure he will get the services of a first-rate lawyer to defend him, paid by the taxpayers.

But apparently not this bakery delivery guy, Robert Myers, who never killed anyone and pays more than a third of his income to his ex-wife already.

Some of you might think there is no way this could possibly be the law anywhere in the United States.  Those of you with more than a passing knowledge of the constitutional guarantees of due process of law, or even those of you who have taken 8th grade civics, might think a person cannot be deprived of the opportunity to defend himself in court when he is charged with a crime. 

I once thought this as well.  But the more I see of how the law sometimes works, the less sure I am that things such as this can’t happen in the courts of this country.  There are certainly constitutional principles that would prevent such things.  But a constitution is only as strong as the people who enforce it.  And among many people who should be enforcing it (judges and state legislators), there is a tendency to create major exceptions in some areas.   One of these areas involves child support.  So it would not greatly suprise me to find out that Robert Myers won’t get his day in court.

Another interesting part of the story is that the ex-wife is suing two of Robert Myers’s former employers, alleging they failed to garnish his wages to pay her the child support.  At least one of those employers has asserted that it did pay her.  Here is the story:

Chandra Myers will be in Brooklyn Federal Court today to face off against Sara Lee Bakeries and Bimbo Bakeries USA Inc., which distributes Thomas’ English Muffins, Entenmann’s and other treats.

Myers contends the bakery giants defied orders to garnish a total of $36,000 from Robert Sean Myers’ wages from 2001 to 2004.

“It is unfortunate in today’s society that we not only have deadbeat dads, but we have deadbeat companies,” declared Myers, who has latched onto a rarely used statute to demand a half-million dollars in penalties and interest along with the millions in damages from the firms.

Bimbo’s lawyers and Chandra Myers’ ex charge the suit is without merit. Sara Lee had no comment.

Robert Sean Myers, a Los Angeles bakery deliverer, said he has records showing that he’s attempted to meet child support demands for his 6-year-old daughter.

He insists he won’t settle the suit with his ex-wife because $611 of his $1,600 monthly income now goes to their daughter. He also has five other kids to support, he said.

But Chandra Myers has a standing order requiring him to pay $2,000 per month in support based on her expenses. Now $61,000 behind, Robert Sean Myers says he’s tried to negotiate a payment plan, but she’s intent on getting him extradited here. Under state law, if his owed child support exceeds $50,000, he loses his right to appear in court to defend himself against her charges.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2008/04/21/2008-04-21_queens_mom_sues_bakeries_for_failing_to_.html

Hat tip: http://www.overlawyered.com/2008/04/queens-mom-sues-bakeries-for-f.html

Posted in Marriage | Tagged: | 6 Comments »

Online Dating

Posted by Mr. Thoughtful on April 22, 2008

I’m always shocked when I hear from my female friends that they are reluctant to enter the online dating world.  I don’t think their reluctance stems from the stigma once attached to online dating (if you have to resort to online dating you’re a loser; this perception is certainly not true and probably never was true).

They give many different responses.  Here are just a few:

It’s too much trouble.   It does involve quite a bit of time and sometimes trouble, but I think it’s worth the time if you’re looking to date, find a relationship, etc.  A serious effort might involve taking several hours to create a profile and then committing half an hour a day to communicating.

There are lots of creeps and losers online.  That’s some truth to this claim as well.  You can find creeps nearly anywhere.  But I think you can also find guys you might be interested in.  The time and trouble mentioned above results from winnowing out the ones you know you wouldn’t like to date.

But now for the good part (good at least for women) - an attractive woman is in huge demand in the world of online dating.  You will find advantageous male/female ratios.  I think most services have something like 60% male membership, 40% female membership.  EHarmony seems to be the only exception (I’m not familiar with the male/female ratio at Chemistry, a site owned by Match.com but operated much like EHarmony).

If a fairly attractive woman posts a profile with a picture, she will be covered up with responses from guys.  I’ve dated several attractive women I met online and they have almost all told me the same story: they get thousands of emails and expressions of interest each year.  And they’re not the drop-dead gorgeous women either.  Well, one of them was.  But I digress.

Chemistry even has an ad that implicitly refers to this male/female percentage.  The ad says something like, “Oops, we made a mistake.  We conducted a marketing campaign aimed at women and we got too many women members.”  The ad, targeted to guys, might as well come out and say, “Join Chemistry and you’ll have a good chance that a woman will write you back.”

This male/female imbalance means that women acquire a great deal of selection power.  An attractive woman has hordes of guys interested in her.  She will notice right off the bat that many of these guys aren’t ones she’ll be interested in.  But some will be.  So she’ll have lots of high-quality guys who have shown an interest in her. 

This will make her very selective.  The way the dating services are set up, she can either respond to the guys who swamp her inbox or she can search herself.

And this selectivity won’t be confined only to the initial stages of deciding who she wants to go out with.  If she goes out with a guy two or three times and is iffy about him, she knows she can easily go back to her computer and order up another batch of guys.

So girls, if you’re on the fence about online dating, you should take the plunge.  Create a profile this weekend, post a pic, and you’ll be dating in a few weeks.  You might even have a significant other by the Christmas season.

Posted in Meeting Women, dating | Tagged: | No Comments »

A BJ as Reward

Posted by Mr. Thoughtful on April 21, 2008

I discovered some funny stuff about wedding rings and other jewelry from Rachel Lucas, parts of which reminded me of my post several weeks ago about how much should one spend on an engagement ring.  She has several entertaining stories and some interesting thoughts on the subject, so I recommend going to her site to read the entire piece, but here is just one:

Had another coworker named Lisa when I was about 25. She was dating Mark for three years when he bought her a Valentine’s Day gift that was a diamond tennis bracelet. She told me one morning, all giggly and embarrassed, that the night he gave it to her, she was so moved with delight that she gave him the first, uh, what rhymes with joe blob, of their relationship. And then she said, “I hope he didn’t get used to it ‘cuz that’s only happening whenever he gives me jewelry.” Spoken like a true hooker.

http://rachellucas.com/index.php/2008/02/14/diamonds-schmiamonds/

Sadly, it seems to be common that women reward their boyfriends/husbands in this way.  Well, I don’t mean it’s sad to have it done, but it’s sad that it’s used as a reward.  It reminds you of treat training dogs.  When the dog has done something you like, you give him a treat so he’ll keep doing that thing that you like. 

And conversely, if he does something you don’t like, you say the word “no” sharply to him (or in some versions you hit him on the head with a rolled-up newspaper).  Guys who have ever been married or even had a long-term relationship with a woman will recognize the corollary to this as well: if you do something she doesn’t like, she will yell at you, or make nasty comments to you, or ostentatiously give you the silent treatment, slam doors, etc.

Posted in Marriage, Relationships, Sex, dating | Tagged: , | No Comments »

What’s Wrong with a Post-pregnancy Tummy Tuck?

Posted by Mr. Thoughtful on April 17, 2008

I came across the following article in Newsweek that reviews a picture book written to explain to young children their mother’s upcoming plastic surgery:

When she was pregnant with her son Gabriela Acosta ballooned from 115 pounds to 196. Acosta lost the weight but wound up with stretched, saggy skin. Even her son noticed it. He told her that her stomach looked “pruney,” the result, he thought, of staying in the shower too long. So the 29-year-old stay-at-home mom scheduled a consultation with Dr. Michael Salzhauer, a board-certified plastic surgeon in Bal Harbour, Fla.

Acosta told Salzhauer that she wasn’t sure how to talk to her son about the procedures she was considering. That’s when he showed her the manuscript for his children’s picture book, “My Beautiful Mommy” (Big Tent Books), out this Mother’s Day. It features a perky mother explaining to her child why she’s having cosmetic surgery (a nose job and tummy tuck). Naturally, it has a happy ending: mommy winds up “even more” beautiful than before, and her daughter is thrilled.

The reassuring tale helped win Acosta over—she scheduled breast augmentation and a tummy tuck…

What’s the market for a children’s picture book about moms getting cosmetic surgery? No one specifically tracks the number of tummy-tuck-and-breast-implant combos (or “mommy makeovers,” as they’re called), but according to the latest numbers from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, breast augmentation was the most popular cosmetic surgery procedure last year, with 348,000 performed (up 6 percent over 2006). Of those, about one-third were for women over 40 who often opt for implants to restore lost volume in their breasts due to aging or pregnancy weight gain. There were 148,000 tummy tucks—up 1 percent from the previous year.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/132240

I take no position regarding explaining this stuff to the kids.  I’m passing along part of the article because it talks about the possible effects of childbearing on a woman’s body and efforts to remedy those effects.

I think many people in this country have an unreasonable antipithy toward cosmetic surgery.  I see nothing wrong with the woman in this article having a tummy tuck.  It restored her to her pre-pregnancy appearance.  It made her more appealing to her husband.  It’s a win-win situation and people shouldn’t complain about it. 

But a lot of people, especially women, are aghast at a woman having cosmetic surgery.    They seem to want to create a climate that discourages cosmetic surgery.  I don’t see why it is virtuous to go to the gym several times a week for a year or two to make yourself look better, but terrible to go to a surgeon for a tummy tuck.

Posted in Hot Babes, Marriage | Tagged: , | No Comments »

Womens’ Second Husbands Make More Money than their First Husbands

Posted by Mr. Thoughtful on April 16, 2008

It has become conventional wisdom that women are almost always worse off financially after a divorce while men are better off.  I understand this conventional wisdom resulted from a widely-discussed study whose result turned out to be very wrong because of a math error.  Justin Wolfers, writing in the economics blog Freakonomics, discusses an interesting study that looked into this a bit further. http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/

 It turns out that while it is true that the average woman does not fare better financially after a divorce, some women do far better financially after a divorce.

http://personal.lse.ac.uk/michaels/Ananat_Michaels_Marital_Breakup.pdf

This is partly because some women eventually wind up with high-paying jobs, but it is partly because they remarry guys who make a lot of money.  See pp.13-14 for a very brief discussion of this: women who remarry often marry guys with more money and socioeconomic status (SES) than their first husbands had.

I can well imagine this result.  Let’s say a young woman marries her high school sweetheart.  He’s good-looking, she’s good-looking, and they get along pretty well.   Let’s say he goes into a less than lucrative line of work.  They’re happy at first, but soon a child comes along and money gets tight.  They begin to fight and the resentment builds (many marital arguments are about money).  Eventually they divorce. 

The woman is still fairly young and attractive and she starts to date.  At this point in her life she realizes the importance of a financially stable and secure life.  She naturally gravitates toward guys with a high income.   She can even search by income on Match.com, yahoo personals, and other online dating services. 

Eventually she marries one of these guys who make three or four times what her ex-husband makes.  She is one of these women who is better off financially after a divorce.   Not right after the divorce, but fairly soon after. 

I didn’t wade through all the data in the study, but it appears this result happens with only a small number of the female divorced population (perhaps 5%).  I surmise these are the best-looking divorced women.

This is consistent with a saying I heard a woman use: marry for looks the first time, and for money the second time.  Please note that I’m not endorsing marrying only for money.  That should be only one of the factors to be considered.  I’m suggesting only that women are understandably more focused on financial security when choosing their second husbands.

This ties into my post several weeks ago that women should take financial considerations into account when determining who to date.  

Mr. Thoughtful, Pre-marriage Counselor.   Maybe I should advertise my services.  But in the meantime, women or men should feel free to ask me questions. 

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