Avoid a Mismatch in Sex Drives

Michele Weiner Davis, a prominent marriage counselor and author of several books on marriage, among them “The Sex-starved Marriage” http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Marriage-Couples-Boosting-Libido/dp/B0000CAR60/ref=pd_bbs_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1207691787&sr=8-3, recently wrote an interesting article in Time magazine.  She wrote:

… it is very, very common for people to be mismatched in their sexual desire. That in and of itself is not a deal-breaker and is not necessarily a problem. How couples deal with that really becomes the issue. We discovered in the survey, and it bears itself out in my practice, that the person with the lower sex drive controls the sexual relationship, not out of a need to manipulate or control, but because they have veto power. If they’re not in the mood, it doesn’t happen. There’s an unspoken agreement: the person with the lower desire expects his or her spouse to accept it, not complain about it, and also to be monogamous. In my years in working with couples, that’s pretty much an unfair and unworkable arrangement…

 

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1728520,00.html

Those of you who are contemplating marriage would do well to remember this (I’ll address this to guys bc guys mainly read this blog, but it applies to girls as well).  After the marriage, your spouse is your only legitimate outlet for sex.  If she’s not in the mood, you can’t have sex.   That’s not much of a problem; everyone has a stressed day now and then.  The problem arises if it’s not just an off day or an off week.  If she’s not in the mood for a year, you can’t have sex for a year.

And the problem isn’t limited only to that situation.  Power in a marriage accrues to the partner who wants sex less.  She can then use sex as a reward for your behavior that she likes and as a punishment for your behavior she doesn’t like.  It’s easier than dog training.

She also discussed an problem that a lot of married people have: their partner lets herself go after marriage:

Men are more visually oriented when it comes to arousal. So women can debate that, but the truth is, if they really want their husbands be more interested in them, they should pay more attention to how they’re taking care of themselves physically.

 

We’ve all seen this happen. In fact, one of Mr. Practical’s friends told him that a guy could expect only five thin years from a wife.  After that …

And there is very little most husbands can do to persuade their wives to work on shedding the fat.  They’re mostly just stuck with things.  At that point their only option is divorce, which is drastic and expensive.