Are couples happier where the woman is more attractive than the man?
Posted by Mr. Thoughtful on April 11, 2008
Are couples happier where the woman is more attractive than the man?
I want to discuss another topic from the Kanazawa article discussed on the Psychology Today blog (discussion and link in my post immediately below). He asserted:
…couples in which the woman is more attractive than the man are happier than the couples in which the man is more attractive than the woman. Why is this?
It is therefore quite natural that a man (whether he himself is handsome or ugly) who is married to an attractive wife is happier than a man who is married to an ugly wife, because it means that his attractive wife has a high mate value. Similarly, since physical attractiveness is not what women seek in their long-term mates (husbands), even though it is what they seek in their short-term mates (lovers), having a handsome husband will not necessarily make a woman happy with her husband or marriage, unless he is rich and powerful as well.
As we explain extensively in Chapter 3 of our book Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters (“Barbie — Manufactured by Mattel, Designed by Evolution: The Evolutionary Psychology of Sex and Mating”), women’s mate value is primarily a function of their youth and physical attractiveness, whereas men’s mate value is primarily a function of their wealth and status. Men prefer to marry women who are young and beautiful, and women prefer to marry men who are rich and powerful. Of course, you don’t need no stinkin’ evolutionary psychologists to tell you that; your illiterate and uneducated great-grandmother, who never in her life set foot outside of her small village, knew that a hundred years ago. But she didn’t know why; we need evolutionary psychology to figure out why.
What are your thoughts on these points?
April 25, 2008 at 8:03 pm
what’s your take on the less-than-pretty female + super-handsome male combo?
April 26, 2008 at 9:34 am
I’m not Mr. Thoughtful but I thought that I would reply anyway. This debate seems to have come up recently in many articles as of late. I believe that combination tends to have more risk when it comes to it working out. As Mr. Thoughtful has stated in other posts, males tend to view appearance as one of, if not the most important quality in a women. Therefore, when a male views himself as good looking(in this scenario he is) and views the looks of his woman slightly below or worse than his level; this tends to build an amount of regret. I’m not a professional in this area but this is commonly written about when this topic arises. He seems to hold in the back of his mind that he could get someone a little better looking or a great deal better. These feelings tend to lead to trouble in the relationship. The male tends not to do as much for the female as far as special things because subconciously, he does not think that he has to work as hard in the relationship to keep her.
Just some things to ponder……
April 28, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Just.Ness,
I suspect the less-than-pretty-female with super-handsome male couple can often face problems, for reasons Austin explains above. Some research is consistent with his conclusion that in this situation the guy doesn’t think he has to do as much in the relationship (which often leads to problems).
I read something by the guy who founded EHarmony, Neil Clark Warren. Regardless of what you think about EHarmony or its founder, I think he made an interesting point about what I’ll call “mismatched couples.”
An acquaintance of his told him that he met an amazing woman, one who was clearly out of his league. He was extremely happy about this situation, but Warren thought it might not be such a good match after all. He theorized that several years down the road this amazing woman would realize she could do better and might decide to trade up.
I realize it’s pretty bad to dump your husband or wife just because you think you can do better. But these things happen in lots of relationships, even in ones where you wouldn’t think it. When tough times befall a marriage you don’t want one of the partners to have a big incentive to break up.
I suspect the less-than-pretty female/great-looking guy combo is the worst combo. But a couple where the woman is gorgeous and the man sort of average isn’t ideal either.
And there are quite a few guys whose lifelong quest is a woman who is so great-looking that she is out of their league. On this point, have you watched this season’s “The Bachelor”?
Thanks for stopping by.
May 2, 2008 at 1:44 am
Austin & Mr.Thoughtful, thank you both for the responses.
I tend to agree with both of you, although a small, sentimental part of me want to believe that ‘it’s what’s inside that counts’. But before you conclud that i’m being naive, please hear me out.
I think we can assume men (and women) seek to maximize their own respective qualities to “trade-off” in seeking out a partner. Then, the person(s) they eventually hook-up with should fall within a certain degrees of association to how they perceive themselves. For example, plus or minus 2.
When a dude(tte) dates someone way below their “worth” from an “objective” perceptive, then that person probably doesn’t feel they worth any better. Would an ultra nice female ever settle for a mega ass-wipe? yes. and usually that’s when said female has low self-esteem. thus, ‘it’s what’s inside that counts’.
despite my slight hope for romance of this and that, i think the less-than-pretty (maybe she’s ultra nice) female got the great-looking (maybe he’s also ultra nice) guy because he didn’t know what he was worth (looks and niceness). and vice versa.
May 2, 2008 at 11:57 am
Just.Ness,
The first part of your last comment reminds me of a saying my grandmother used to have, “pretty is as pretty does”.
Maybe it’s just that guys are typically a bit more visual, but it seems that we place a premium on a woman’s attractiveness. I’m not exempting myself from that observation. I’m certainly more interested in slim, attractive women. We seem to be hard-wired for that.
But I certainly want the woman to be pretty-on-the-inside as well. Every additional requirement we put on a person means our pool of people who meet all our requirements gets smaller. My solution has usually been to try to find a woman I find attractive (but not drop-dead gorgeous) who is appealing on the inside as well.
Other guys just try to find the most attractive woman they can get to go out with them who isn’t psycho (some of my friends have even dispensed with this last limitation, which I do not recommend). They actively try to date out of their league. I think this is tricky, because if you settle down with her you don’t want her to realize several years after the marriage that she can do better.
I absolutely agree that almost every couple is fairly close to each other in total appeal. You find a six with an eight sometimes, but you almost never find a five with a nine. And when I say total appeal I mean everything the partner brings to the table: looks, charisma, charm, power, financial security, etc.
This dialogue has been interesting. The topic is very important. Few external things determine someone’s happiness in life more than the choice of partner.
Do you have any other suggestions for related topics to explore?