Sounds Like a Case of Vagina Envy

I have a male coworker who has an issue. Don’t get me wrong. Great guy. Loves to talk about sports. Actually gives a shit about his wife and three sons.

But he has a problem…

…he suffers from vagina envy.

It seems like every day, he will stop by my office (when the door isn’t shut and barricaded) and keep me updated on the work schedules of our female coworkers.

“Geez, Jane didn’t come in until 930am this morning.”

“I see Patty left the office at 300pm.”

“Have you noticed that Liz is never here on Fridays?”

What do these three ladies have in common?

They all have children.

Now I know what you’re thinking…especially if you are a woman.

What does it matter if they have kids?

It means plenty. Especially if you’re a guy. And if you’re shackled to a Peg Bundy clone who sits at home all day eating chocolate covered double Whoppers (the sandwich, not that round candy thing that comes in a milk carton).

It…means…plenty.

See…we’re the providers. We venture forth into the jungle every day in order to put a roof over the heads of Peg, Kelly and little Bud. And these parasites would starve if we didn’t bow down to the man each and every day.

But our female coworkers?…

…they have vaginas.

Sure. They want to have careers in order to justify and bring meaning to their lives. But this only classifies them as a protected species in the eyes of the Human Resources Department where we work.

For example…

I’m pregnant. (“Why don’t you take the next twelve weeks off?”)

I have cramps. (“Take it easy for the rest of day. Your male coworkers won’t mind taking on extra work.”)

I feel like I’m neglecting my childrem (“Why don’t you work from home on Fridays.”)

Try that act when your old fraternity brothers are in town for the week.

And before some woman gets completely bent out of shape (…and pear is a shape), don’t waste my time stating how difficult it is to give birth to a child.

There’s only one thing more painful than childbirth…

…listening to some woman complaining about childbirth.

If childbirth was really that painful, you wouldn’t have these welfare mommies spitting out babies like they were a automotive plant.

Actually, if given the choice between getting kicked in the balls and hearing some broad discussing her ninety-three hours of labor, I’m taking a wide stance and hoping for a glancing blow.

So what’s the solution to vagina envy?

Either get over it or get a sex change.

I’m serious. Do you know the process for getting favored status in the workplace? Allow me to enlightened you…

The surgical procedure on the male involves removal of the penis and the scrotum with the testes. A pseudo-vagina can be constructed from the skin of the penis. This is everted and sewn into a tube that is inserted into the man’s body and sewn to the skin. Steps must be taken during the first few weeks following surgery to keep this makeshift vagina open.

Then things go downhill from there…

As for me…

…Liz can keep her fat ass at home on Fridays.

 

 

It’s a violation of first-date etiquette to tell your date you want to tie him up

Articles about dating often contain advice on such questions as do you kiss goodnight or merely part with a brief hug on the first date.  Opinions seem to vary on this topic, so I don’t think it rises to a dating etiquette rule.  But I’m pretty sure it’s a violation of dating etiquette to ask your date whether you can tie him (or her) up on the first date.

Last year I was matched with a woman using an online dating service.  It was one of those services that matched couples up itself rather than letting users browse and email those people who interested them.  After several less-than-happy first dates I was excited.  This woman seemed so normal.  I know that doesn’t sound like high praise, but after a bit of a streak dating women who didn’t seem so normal, encountering someone normal was cause for joy.

She seemed completely normal and friendly over the phone.  She had a good job that required regular interacting with a lots of professional people.  In fact, having a presentable appearance and a good personality are job requirements in that field.   In addition, she coached cheerleaders in her spare time.

We made a date for dinner.  We met at the restaurant, had a great dinner with good wine and fun conversation.  We enjoyed it so much that we walked to a nearby martini bar.  Things continued to go very well.  We spent some time there and then left.   The drinks had lowered her inhibitions.  We left the bar and found our way to a park bench, where we kissed.

Then she looked me in the eye and posed a question that took me by surprise.  She asked, “are you dominant or submissive?”  I answered “dominant”.   She repeated the question, and told me she wanted to tie me up. 

I was not comfortable being tied up, and even less comfortable being tied up by someone I had met only a few hours before (notwithstanding her pleasant and cheerful mien), so I politely told her no.  Things got a little less happy after that, but we continued to talk.  She asked what happened when two dominants got together.  I responded that I didn’t know. 

We parted company and never saw each other again.