Sounds Like a Case of Vagina Envy
Posted by Mr. Sensitive on May 5, 2008
I have a male coworker who has an issue. Don’t get me wrong. Great guy. Loves to talk about sports. Actually gives a shit about his wife and three sons.
But he has a problem…
…he suffers from vagina envy.
It seems like every day, he will stop by my office (when the door isn’t shut and barricaded) and keep me updated on the work schedules of our female coworkers.
“Geez, Jane didn’t come in until 930am this morning.”
“I see Patty left the office at 300pm.”
“Have you noticed that Liz is never here on Fridays?”
What do these three ladies have in common?
They all have children.
Now I know what you’re thinking…especially if you are a woman.
What does it matter if they have kids?
It means plenty. Especially if you’re a guy. And if you’re shackled to a Peg Bundy clone who sits at home all day eating chocolate covered double Whoppers (the sandwich, not that round candy thing that comes in a milk carton).
It…means…plenty.
See…we’re the providers. We venture forth into the jungle every day in order to put a roof over the heads of Peg, Kelly and little Bud. And these parasites would starve if we didn’t bow down to the man each and every day.
But our female coworkers?…
…they have vaginas.
Sure. They want to have careers in order to justify and bring meaning to their lives. But this only classifies them as a protected species in the eyes of the Human Resources Department where we work.
For example…
I’m pregnant. (”Why don’t you take the next twelve weeks off?”)
I have cramps. (”Take it easy for the rest of day. Your male coworkers won’t mind taking on extra work.”)
I feel like I’m neglecting my childrem (”Why don’t you work from home on Fridays.”)
Try that act when your old fraternity brothers are in town for the week.
And before some woman gets completely bent out of shape (…and pear is a shape), don’t waste my time stating how difficult it is to give birth to a child.
There’s only one thing more painful than childbirth…
…listening to some woman complaining about childbirth.
If childbirth was really that painful, you wouldn’t have these welfare mommies spitting out babies like they were a automotive plant.
Actually, if given the choice between getting kicked in the balls and hearing some broad discussing her ninety-three hours of labor, I’m taking a wide stance and hoping for a glancing blow.
So what’s the solution to vagina envy?
Either get over it or get a sex change.
I’m serious. Do you know the process for getting favored status in the workplace? Allow me to enlightened you…
The surgical procedure on the male involves removal of the penis and the scrotum with the testes. A pseudo-vagina can be constructed from the skin of the penis. This is everted and sewn into a tube that is inserted into the man’s body and sewn to the skin. Steps must be taken during the first few weeks following surgery to keep this makeshift vagina open.
Then things go downhill from there…
As for me…
…Liz can keep her fat ass at home on Fridays.
May 6, 2008 at 11:50 am
“… we’re the providers. We venture forth into the jungle every day in order to put a roof over the heads of Peg …”
You know what our reward is for going to work every day to pay so that Peg can stay at home? It’s alimony. We paid once so that the wife wouldn’t have to go off to work but could stay at home. You’d think the divorce court would say, “No, you don’t have to do that anymore.” But instead the court penalizes you for ever having labored so that Peg could stay home.
You’ve just accustomed her to this lifestyle so you have to maintain it after the marriage ends. As a standup comic put it, “I got accustomed to having regular sex during the marriage too. But after the divorce I don’t get to call her up and say I need to come over for some sex tonight.”
It’s another example of the double standard at work.
May 26, 2008 at 9:13 am
[...] with the concept of divorce on grounds of “declining” physical appearance and the disgusting post he makes concerning “vagina envy”. 2 I’m referring to the self-identified current of feminism here rather than any radicalised [...]