The Reese Witherspoon Rules
Posted by Mr. Sensitive on July 19, 2008
…although I guess a better title would be “I Have The Pussy, Therefore I Get To Make The Rules”.
I’m not sure whether you’ve seen this, but there’s been this story making the rounds regarding Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal (you might know his visually offensive sister as being the lone negative to The Dark Knight which came out last week). Anyway, it appears that this happy couple has decided to live together with her two children.
One catch…
Reese has decide to impose a strict list of rules that Jake must live by if he wants to remain in her presence. These rules include:
- He must take off his shoes whenever he is in the house.
- The trash must be taking out when the can is three-quarters full.
- There will be no feet on the coffee table.
- The family will have daily discussion at the dinner table.
- No cursing is allowed.
Now I realize that these seem rather mundane, but here is the kicker…
Under no circumstances will plans be made without consulting the other.
Meaning poor Jake basically has to ask for permission before he gets to do anything. Now I have to ask…
Is any pussy worth that?!
Now I understand that relationships involve a series of give and take (mostly the men doing the giving and the women responsible for the taking), but to impose this type of list seems rather one sided. I could understand if this involved an incredibly hot woman, but REESE WITHERSPOON!!!
Now once poor Mr. Gyllenhaal agreed to these terms, his balls basically detached themselves from their cozy nutsack and rolled down each leg of his pants. He has willingly reduced himself to being nothing more than a lowly housepet who can’t take a shit without getting permission from his slave master.
If you’re going to put yourself in that position, why not just get married?
Mr. Thoughtful said
If you ask me the guy got off easier than most married guys. He has to follow only six commandments (considerably fewer than the ten commandments brought down by Moses).
Plus, he gets the benefit of knowing upfront what these commandments are. Most married guys have to find out their masters’ (er, wives) commandments by painful trial and error, because they’re not written down anywhere. This trial and error process seems to aggravate wives to no end. They complain that “he just doesn’t get it” when their husband violates one of their unwritten commandments. They complain, as in your next post, that the guy just isn’t making an effort (to discover and comply with their wishes).
You single guys out there should pay attention to this stuff. If you get married, lots of women become considerably more demanding. The list of six commands here is probably much less demanding than the typical husband gets. And the consequences of your failing to abide by these commandments is 1) being berated, or 2) being divorced. And the latter is often very expensive.
Mr. Sensitive said
I loved your “trial and error” comment until I realized that it might be more accurately described as “error and trial”.
If you make multiple errors…
…you’ll end up in trial.
Can you say alimony?
Mr. Practical said
I think Reese is pretty hot, but I would still rather stick electrified forks in my eyes than live like that. No wonder Ryan Pillippe got out.
Mr. Thoughtful said
Mr. Practical,
“… I would rather stick electrified forks in my eyes than live like that.”
I am by no means certain about this, but from my observation a great many married guys live like this. They may not have written rules to live by, but they damn sure have unwritten rules they must follow. And sometimes they don’t even know about some of these rules until they violate them.
Can any of you married guys (or girls) provide any feedback on this?
Mr. Sensitive said
I’m surprised that electrodes aren’t surgically attached to guy’s scrotum during the wedding ceremony once he says “I do”. Let’s face it, marriage is nothing more than legalized male slavery. Husbands either have to immediately learn to complete submit or learn to accept the smell of their burning flesh whenever they displease their slave masters…er, I mean lovely wives.
Mr. Thoughtful said
Mr. Sensitive has a point about the husband having to submit to the wife’s orders or face the consequences. The consequences can be immediate, such as yelling, door slamming, etc., or it can be long-term,i.e., divorce. The latter can be far more expensive because the divorce laws in many states are written so as to clip the bigger wage-earner like crazy.
Nebraska said
There comes a point in life…when you ask your friends “Why the hell shouldn’t I get Divorced?”—usually after you have cut off your own nutbag with a dull knife…and she is still screaming….after 20 years of “Bliss”. (Why was I faithful to that fat, self-centered piece of Ass matter, anyway??)
I don’t know about the rest of you whiney weebles,…but I knew 10/23/03..and filed soon thereafter. I realized NO erstwhile Poontang Life support system, was EVER worth the degradation and rampant depersonalization I was being pushed thru.
“Jake, Why the Hell don’t you kick her “entitled ass” to the curb in 24 hrs ?” “It will never get any better”. You are nothing but a “Potted-Palm”..and shame on you for letting yourself be treated as such.
I am content with never getting married again. I have fallen in with a group of fine young women who (like me) never want to be chained and lobotomized again–so “Friends with Benefits” is the Order of the Day. It’s kinda like F**king your classmate–for a class exercise–but much better!
My kids are happy I am dating again—but they do not want another “Mother”–they prefer a stable, balanced female role model to become a friend–first and foremost. They, like me, prefer this greatly to the “Drama Mama” and all the entitled accoutrements.
Good luck.