One reason husbands put up with their wives’ verbal abuse

The comments to Mr. Sensitive’s recent “Reese Witherspoon Rules” post caused me to think about the power balance in a marriage.  If a marriage becomes sufficiently unpleasant to either person, that person can file for divorce.  The problem occurs when the law makes divorce more advantageous for one person.

This varies from state to state, because divorce law is a function of state law.  It also varies to some extent even from county to county in the same state.  I am reliably informed that it varies quite a bit even within the same county, depending on which judge is assigned to hear the case.  But there are lots of state statutes that try to impose some uniformity in how such things as alimony and property settlements are dealt with.

Here is one such statute, from California.  Alimony should be based on:

“The extent to which the earning capacity of each party is sufficient to maintain the standard of living established during the marriage…

… The needs of each party based on the standard of living established during the marriage.”

The link below indicates this is from Cal. Family Code, Sec. 4320.  (I haven’t independently checked this).

This statute is frightening for the spouse who earns more money.  And even more frightening for the husband who worked to allow his wife to stay at home while the children were very young.  It seems to obligate the husband to keep his ex-wife up in the style to which she became accustomed during the marriage (this is usually, although not always, the husband; for a rare exception see the Joan Lunden divorce, in which she was forced to pay millions in alimony to her layabout ex-husband).

That’s an astounding bit of social engineering.  It’s one thing for a husband to decide to work hard so that his wife can stay home for a few years with the couple’s small children.  But it’s far different for a court to later penalize him for this by ordering him to keep supporting his ex-wife. 

As a stand-up comic once joked, “The court ordered me to pay my ex-wife alimony to keep her living in the style to which I had accustomed her.  But I don’t get to go over to her house to get sex on the grounds that I had gotten used to regular sex during the marriage.”

I want to direct one more comment to guys who may be considering marriage.  Almost every one of you thinks you and your future wife won’t get divorced, and if you did then she wouldn’t be a vile, money-grubber who tried to extract every dime that her lawyer could get a judge to take.  Do yourself a favor.  Take a look at the post linked to below.  It’s from a divorce bulletin board.  The woman who posted was married for four and a half years.  His income was $45,000/year and hers was $38,000.  She wanted alimony.  And she wanted the court to base it not on this guy’s income, but on the $85,000 he had earned a year or two before. 

If a court ordered alimony based on an $85,000 income when the guy currently made only $45,000, it would impoverish him.  And this does happen in divorce courts.  It’s called “imputed income.”  The guy doesn’t have to pay a percentage of his actual income, but a percentage of the higher income that he once made, or that a judge thinks he could have the potential to make.

Because the law hugely resdistributes income from the husband to the wife, it makes it more appealing for the wife to get a divorce.  This transfers power in the marriage from the husband to the wife.  That’s one of the reasons the poor guys just have to take whatever abuse their wives dole out.

http://www.expertlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?t=23659

How To Read Online Dating Profiles

Here is the first of a series in how to read online dating profiles.  This one involves body build.  After some experience looking at women’s profiles then meeting the women, I’ve noticed some unexpected things regarding women’s self-description. 

Most of the online dating services contain a section on the dater’s profile that allows the dater to check off one of several selections that describe various body builds.  The options go something like this: fit & toned (or athletic), slender, average, or a few extra pounds. 

The problem is that very few women put themselves into the right category.  The default option seems to be “average”, which is picked by anyone from women who truly are average, women with a few extra pounds, women who are decidedly overweight, all the way up to clinically obese women.  I can’t imagine what a woman would look like who selected the “few extra pounds” option.

Of course, there is considerable incentive for women to mislead guys on this question.  The Dan Ariely online dating research I have discussed here a couple of months ago indicates that the vast majority of guys have a strong preference for a slender woman.  And women know this.  Note that there are some areas in online dating which guys deceive women like crazy (mainly height and income). 

This phenomenon occurs in other dating arenas as well.  A friend of mine paid for a year’s subscription to a matching service that sent him three prospects over the course of the first several months.  All three of these women weighed more than he weighed.  I think he weighs around 165-170 (incidentally, he’s in good shape, is socially adept, and his income is probably in the top 5% of guys nationwide).  He finally called the service and asked them not to send him any more women who weighed more than he did.  Of course, they never sent him another prospect after that.

I discussed this issue with a female friend of mine.  She told me that everyone is fat now, so fat is the new average (in much the same way that people say “50 is the new 30″, which isn’t close to being true).

I agree with her that much of the problem stems from the fact that so many women over age 30 are obese (as defined by the National Institutes of Health).  And an even higher percentage of women over 40 are obese.

What are your thoughts?  Where are the non-obese women?

That Tone in Her Voice

I was in the middle of a hike the other morning when I crossed paths with this young couple. There was nothing really special about these two individuals except for the fact that the female was berating the male over some mindless issue. What struck me was that particular tone in her voice that women used to notify guys that it’s pointless to argue.

You know that tone…

…it’s the same one that dog owners use whenever Fido drops a seven pound steamer on the kitchen floor.

Anyway, I didn’t get to hear much of this one-sided discussion, but I was able to hear the following:

“No…matter…what…I…say…or…do…it doesn’t…seem…to…matter.”

Same tone. Same inflection. Same deliberate cadence. (Actually I wouldn’t have been surprised if she started saying “Bueller?” “Bueller?”)

Now imagine if you took a cheese grater and began vigerously rubbing it on your nutsack…

…That was my reaction to her attitude.

And the sad thing was the posture of this miserable excuse for a man who was taking this abuse. Head down. Hands in his pockets. Defeated look on his face.

I’m willing to bet that this couple will eventually get married…

…followed (very) shortly by a bitter divorce.

Enjoy writing those alimony checks.

Loser.

The Reese Witherspoon Rules

…although I guess a better title would be “I Have The Pussy, Therefore I Get To Make The Rules”.

I’m not sure whether you’ve seen this, but there’s been this story making the rounds regarding Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal (you might know his visually offensive sister as being the lone negative to The Dark Knight which came out last week). Anyway, it appears that this happy couple has decided to live together with her two children.

One catch…

Reese has decide to impose a strict list of rules that Jake must live by if he wants to remain in her presence. These rules include:

• He must take off his shoes whenever he is in the house.
• The trash must be taking out when the can is three-quarters full.
• There will be no feet on the coffee table.
• The family will have daily discussion at the dinner table.
• No cursing is allowed.

Now I realize that these seem rather mundane, but here is the kicker…

Under no circumstances will plans be made without consulting the other.

Meaning poor Jake basically has to ask for permission before he gets to do anything. Now I have to ask…

Is any pussy worth that?!

Now I understand that relationships involve a series of give and take (mostly the men doing the giving and the women responsible for the taking), but to impose this type of list seems rather one sided. I could understand if this involved an incredibly hot woman, but REESE WITHERSPOON!!!

Now once poor Mr. Gyllenhaal agreed to these terms, his balls basically detached themselves from their cozy nutsack and rolled down each leg of his pants. He has willingly reduced himself to being nothing more than a lowly housepet who can’t take a shit without getting permission from his slave master.

If you’re going to put yourself in that position, why not just get married?

Six Dating Behaviors That Will Drive Men Away

I noticed this article recently entitled “Six Dating Behaviors That Will Drive Men Away”…

…honestly,

does anyone really suspect that this was written by a guy?

The six habits are:

1) Trash talking your ex - No guy is interested in hearing about the former asshole in their girlfriend’s life…until they become the asshole.

2) Paranoia runs rampant - Every single guy knows that women will freak out when they want to go out with the boys. It’s like their monthly visit from their Aunt Flo. We can deal with your needs. You need to get learn to handle ours as well.

3) Trash talking other women - Actually we’re secretly hoping for a hair pulling cat fight. Bikinis, mud or jello can be optional. We can be very flexible on this topic.

4) Fishing for compliments - This will be the most important lesson you learn on this blog. Guys are completely incapable of giving out compliments. If you think your man sincerely delivered a half assed attempt at a compliment (and most likely he just did)…run with it.

5) Clingy and possessive - This usually leads to you being alone and face first in a half gallon container of cookie dough.

6) Pushing friends to him - The last thing guys want is to be displayed as “The Boyfriend”. If you’re unable to like our friends, don’t expect us to openly and willing accept yours.

Honestly, I’m shocked that the real reason guys walk away from relationships did not make this list…

…withholding sex.

Now what did you think was the real reason behind the over 50% divorce rate in this country. It certainly wasn’t our strong faith in religion or family values.

Don’t You Ever Want To Get Married?

…um, no.

I had a male coworker ask me that question this afternoon. This was immediately after he mentioned that he was going to “some spa” with his wife for their fifteenth anniversary.

I asked him where they were going…

…he had no idea.

I asked how long they would be gone…

…he had no clue.

I didn’t bother asking him if him and his wife were going to the same place.

And then the bastard had the nerve to not understand why I will never get married.

Does the concept of freedom and making your own decisions evaporate once the words “I do” pass through your lips? Or is it the fact that married guys are so afraid of never getting laid again that they’re willing to trot obediently behind their Wife Masters like some mindless farm animal?

I told my male coworker that I cannot imagine being married fifteen years. My theory is that it is no different than eating the same type of breakfast cereal for an equal amount of time.

Except that the breakfast cereal doesn’t gain an extra thirty pounds and become an unbearable weight around your neck.

All of you shouldn’t hit on the hot chick

(Mr. Thoughtful is on a short leave of absence, and wrote this for me to publish after he left. This post is entirely his creation)

I came across an interesting bit from the movie about the great mathematician and game theorist John Nash. He gives a carefully thought-out solution to the problem of what to do when you and your friends go into a bar and see one beautiful woman and several less attractive women:

…the famous example used in the original Beautiful Mind movie about Nash’s life:
“Given that you are in a bar, would you prefer to pursue the most attractive person in the bar, or would your efforts focus on someone less attractive?”

This seemingly superficial question gets at the following dilemma: if a group of young men are sitting in a bar and a group of women walk in, where one of them is particularly attractive — is it an optimal strategy for all of the young men to pursue the most beautiful woman? As Nash’s character reasons in the movie:

“If we all go after the blond we block each other. Not a single one of us is going to get her. So then we go for her friends. They will all give us the cold shoulder because nobody likes to be second choice. What if no one goes for the blond and we don’t insult the other girls? That’s the only way we win.”

Hat tip: John List at http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/06/04/vote-now-on-the-prisoners-dilemma-contest/

And don’t pretend that 1) you’re such a superstud that the beautiful woman would choose you over the other guys hitting on her, or 2) you wouldn’t go for the less-than-beautiful woman but would hold out for a beautiful woman (bc you date only beautiful women).

An example of number one above is found in Neill Strauss’s “The Game”, when he is in a bar hitting on a hot chick and a minor TV celebrity comes in and tries to get her attention. Neill reportedly had first-class game, but the celebrity had, well, celebrity. In Southern California that counts for a lot. Neill reported that he won out after a fierce pickup duel.

Be careful when naming your child

I came across an interesting article discussing a study that concludes kids with unpopular names are more likely to be deliquent:

What’s in a name? Possibly a life of crime.

An unpopular name - like Alec, Ernest, Ivan, or Malcolm - is more likely to spell trouble than favourites Michael, Matthew or Christopher, according to research presented Saturday at the Congress of the Humanities and Social Sciences at the University of B.C.

“There is a positive correlation between unpopular first names and juvenile delinquency,” said Daniel Lee, an economics professor at Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania…

Lee has a word of advice: “It’s all right to give unique names to your children, but make sure you become a good parent.”

http://www.canada.com/calgaryherald/news/story.html?id=ff841028-6389-44e9-8609-93ddbef6e4a5

I didn’t read the full text of the study, and it may conflict with research done by the economist Steven Levitt in his excellent book, “Freakonomics” (http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/

I have long thought that naming kids certain off-beat names may give them a subtle handicap in life.  Some kids manage just fine even with odd names.  Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s kids will get along just fine being named Scout or Ryder (or whatever their names are).  But most kids don’t have the built-in advantage of celebrity and wealth.  Why take the chance if your kids won’t have such built-in advantages? 

And on a more mundane note, do you want your kids to go through the aggravation (admittedly slight) of having to spell, and respell their names to ever restaurant hostess and every other person who takes down their names?  You might think this is a trivial thing, but it adds up over the years.

What Happens After You Get Married?

This post should more accurately be entitled “what can happen after you get married”, because many marriages stay happy for years.  This is merely what could  happen, and too frequently does.  It’s pitched to guys who have never been married or had close friends who are married.  It’s pitched to guys bc I have more experience with that angle.  It would be an interesting idea for some of our female blogger readers to write something on this subject that is pitched to what women might find after marriage.

Some wives stay looking great for many years.  This isn’t the norm.  Be prepared for your wife to pay less attention to her appearance than she did before the marriage.  This happens to an even greater extent after she has a baby.  This is understandable on several levels.   One, raising a small child requires a lot of time.  It’s difficult for most of us to carve out time and energy to work out even without small children. 

Also, there is just less incentive to keep looking great.  There’s an old episode of the Murphy Brown show in which Candice Bergen finds which White House official started having an affair by looking at who started gym memberships.  People, guys and girls, want to look their best when they are on the market or in a new relationship.  After the marriage, working out is done less often.  A Nordic Track is an expensive clothes rack.

Next, for those guys who were attracted to your girlfriend’s long, gorgeous hair, be warned that it may be one of the first things to go.  Girls know that long hair attracts guys.  But after they’re married they don’t really need the hair anymore.  So off it comes, if not right after the marriage, then usually soon after a baby comes.  And there’s nothing you can do about it.  If you try to talk her out of cutting it (if she even tells you of her plans before going to the salon), she’ll reply defensively, “Well, it’s MY hair.”

I’ve noticed a curious phenomenon.  If a woman gets her long hair cut off, her female friends will all applaud her for it.  In fact, I think the exact phrase her friends will use is: “It’s sooo cute.  And I’ll be it’s so easy to take care of.” (note: I’ll be Britney Spears’s recently shaved head is fairly easy to take care of; no worries about conditioners, stylists, frizz, hairspray, etc. ; just a Gillette razor and some shaving cream).

Women exert a lot of peer pressure on other women in regard to hair styles.  They will applaud the women who cut off their long hair and try to convince women with long hair to cut theirs off.  This mainly happens to women over a certain age.  It doesn’t appear to happen to women whose job is dependent on their looks, such as actresses or models.   One possible reason for this is that the women who cut their hair realize they don’t really need to be attractive anymore.

This are just a few of the areas which may well not be the same after marriage (or at least after the first few years honeymoon period).  In light of our recent comment from a guy who married a Russian woman, I’m curious as to whether these things are common with foreign wives.

Tomorrow I’ll write about the most vexing change guys find with their wives after marriage.

 

Women in bikinis make guys want immediate gratification

From the Department of the Obvious.  But it’s nice to have rigorous academic confirmation of what I had always thought.

“Bikini-clad women make men impatient”

“A recent study shows that men who watched sexy videos or handled lingerie sought immediate gratification—even when they were making decisions about money, soda, and candy.”

Hat tip: http://newmarksdoor.typepad.com/mainblog/2008/06/bikini-clad-w-1.html